I would never take my life. Never. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about if I did sometimes.
I imagine the tears shed. My tears? Others tears? The lack of tears? I spend my time in the company of actors, you never quite know who's genuine and who's not. Who's tears are genuine and who's aren't.
I suppose you could say I'm a bad person for thinking about how bad everyone would feel if just turned my neck a little too far, or just took one too many pills. How everyone would regret neglecting me just because I wasn't handsome, or talented, or funny.
I imagine how I'd leave this world without leaving the imprint of my lips on someone else's, or seeing a light in someone's eyes that I put there.
I imagine all the people that didn't actually care about me posting on Facebook claiming the falsehoods of being my friend, and me bringing joy to their life, that I would be dearly missed. When in all actuality their life would go on just after they clicked post and got a few likes.
I imagine the empty sound in my classes following my permenant unexcused absense. The counselors walking in and telling everyone that they could get help if they needed it. Secretly we all need help in one way or another.
I imagine my mom.
What they don't tell you about suicide is that life goes on without you just like it did when you were there. The people who neglected you in life neglect you in death, music keeps playing, time keeps ticking, and people keep living.
I can't tell you what it's like to want to harm yourself, I've never had that desire, and I never will. I can't tell you what it's like to hold your life in your own hands and I never will. I can however tell you what it's like to be alone, and numb, and I can tell you that no one deserves that. No one.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, or rant to, or drop severe emotional baggage on, I will always be here. Please don't feel like you have to be alone, please don't feel like you have to say goodbye.
You don't deserve it either.
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