Christmas Eve

I've caught it. I feel it running through my veins and circulating in my brain. I've been sick for a while now, but it hasn't hit me until tonight. It happened to me overnight sometime. 

I grew up. 

It's Christmas Eve and I don't feel the giddy feeling of Christmas morning approaching. I should've know it had been happening, I wasn't even excited for my Birthday this year. 

Growing up has left holes in my soul that presents just won't fill anymore.

Tonight is just another night.

Tomorrow morning will be just another morning.

There's a Sink Hole in Me

There's a sink hole in me. It twists and turns, takes all that I feel. Sinks deeper and deeper before I can heal. The lights in my eyes have started to dim. The bright sun is setting and the nighttime is grim. My center is shaking and quaking ready to lapse, but it slows and it stops and it lifts and retracts. 

There's a sink hole in me

Darkening Lights and Pizza Pie Nights

I once lived a life of adventure where the wind was always at my side. It would sail my ship sail through dangerous waters and it was always at my back. Now it must go. The wind is leaving my hair to go blow through the leaves of a tree somewhere else and help the land grow. So for now I must learn to live a life without the wind being my guide. It will return one day to fill my sails again. But that is a different adventure for another season.

Goodbye

http://grooveshark.com/s/Goodbye/4Gsqp2

  Suicide seems to be in the air nowadays, not only in the air but in the water, and in our words.

  I would never take my life. Never. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about if I did sometimes.

  I imagine the tears shed. My tears? Others tears? The lack of tears? I spend my time in the company of actors, you never quite know who's genuine and who's not. Who's tears are genuine and who's aren't.

  I suppose you could say I'm a bad person for thinking about how bad everyone would feel if just turned my neck a little too far, or just took one too many pills. How everyone would regret neglecting me just because I wasn't handsome, or talented, or funny.

  I imagine how I'd leave this world without leaving the imprint of my lips on someone else's, or seeing a light in someone's eyes that I put there.

  I imagine all the people that didn't actually care about me posting on Facebook claiming the falsehoods of being my friend, and me bringing joy to their life, that I would be dearly missed. When in all actuality their life would go on just after they clicked post and got a few likes.

  I imagine the empty sound in my classes following my permenant unexcused absense. The counselors walking in and telling everyone that they could get help if they needed it. Secretly we all need help in one way or another.

I imagine my mom.

  What they don't tell you about suicide is that life goes on without you just like it did when you were there. The people who neglected you in life neglect you in death, music keeps playing, time keeps ticking, and people keep living.

  I can't tell you what it's like to want to harm yourself, I've never had that desire, and I never will. I can't tell you what it's like to hold your life in your own hands and I never will. I can however tell you what it's like to be alone, and numb, and I can tell you that no one deserves that. No one.

  If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, or rant to, or drop severe emotional baggage on, I will always be here. Please don't feel like you have to be alone, please don't feel like you have to say goodbye.

Just a Letter

This post is an open letter to every girl out there not currently in love with Ardon Smith.

Dear ladies,

  What are you doing? You constantly talk about how there aren't any good guys out there to date. Well  I'm here to tell you Ardon is the best guy I know and probably ever will know. He constantly worries about anyone and everyone and never expects anything in return, he just gives, and gives, and gives. He cares about everyone and it hurts him to see others hurting, he goes out of his way to try and brighten everyone's day just so they don't feel as down as he does. You'll never meet someone as genuine as him.

  Ardon also happens to be one of the most talented people I know. His acting will without a doubt move you every time, and his goal in acting is to just affect at least one person in the audience and make them feel something. He also has one of the best voices out there, he's come so far is so little time it's astounding, he works so hard and puts so much effort everything he does, with how much he cares about the drama department it's no coincidence that he's the Drama President.

  I became friends with Ardon when I joined the Drama Department halfway through last year, up until that point I had been struggling, I had very few friends and even fewer people who cared about me. Almost immediately Ardon and I became friends. I can't tell you how much he has changed my life and how much he truly means to me. Ardon has been there for me every time I've had a rough day. I thank God everyday for sending Ardon Smith into my life. I can't tell you how big of a blessing  his friendship is to me.

  Ardon deserves only the best life has to offer because he is one of the best, but because of various jerks he often gets down on himself. Most people in high school are superficial and only care about material things, not Ardon. Say whatever you want about his looks, but until you've sat in his car at 2 am crying because you're laughing so hard and until you've heard him giggle at his own jokes, and have seen his most genuine smile, don't you dare judge him.

Ardon Smith is one of the best people in the entire world and all I'm saying is, you should give him a chance.

Sincerely, Nic Thomas

It's Getting Cold

I can't remember what love feels like.
It's been so long.
It's left my heart, leaving it cold and desolate.
Leaving me cold and desolate.

Just Some Thoughts

Am I just a shell? If someone touched me would I break? If someone touched me... 

Why doesn't my love cut someone like a knife?

Why doesn't someone's love cut ME like a knife?

If I am a shell, why do I feel so empty?

Will I ever be more than mediocre?

Will I ever not have to invite myself to every occasion?

Will someone ever want to be my best friend?

Will someone ever want to hold me?

Will I ever actually find a woman that will love me?

Do people think about me?

Will I ever be good enough?

Anyone want to be more than friends?

If I died right now would I touch any hearts and break them?

Break them like my shell.